Winning Your Spouse’s Heart While Doing Your Ministry

by Chuck Lawless

Church Answers Consultant

I write this post with some trepidation, simply because I still have much to learn about being a good husband in ministry. Pam and I have been married for almost 35 years, and it seems I learn something new about marriage every day. Nevertheless, here are some of my thoughts on this topic (or, to put it more honestly, here are some things I’m still learning to do) as we approach Valentine’s Day:

1. At least weekly, ask God to show you how to keep winning your spouse’s heart. If you’re anything like me, you need help meeting this goal. In fact, I’m writing this post because we at Church Answers know church leaders often need some guidance here. Who better to ask for help than the God who requires us to love our spouses with a godly, sacrificial, undying love? Seeking Him is an expression of how much we want to pursue our spouse in a way that honors Him, even as we minister to others.  
2. Meditate on God’s goodness in bringing your spouse to you. Two church secretaries (the term we used for administrative assistants back then) set Pam and me up. They were convinced we needed to meet, and they orchestrated events to make it happen. I suspect I was nervous about the whole thing back then, but I’m deeply grateful now for their interest. God was in their efforts—as I’m sure He was in your situation, too. Think about how He connected you with your spouse today, and say, “Thank You.”
3. Pray with your spouse. I strongly suggest praying together daily, even if it’s a short prayer. There’s just something both uniquely powerful and spiritually humbling when we pray with the one we love. In essence, we are saying to God, “We need You as a couple to do all that You’ve called us to do. Help us. Guide us. Give us wisdom. Keep us united.” If you need a first action step toward winning your spouse’s heart, let it be here.
4. Date your spouse. I do mean these words literally (that is, take your wife out on a date regularly), but I also mean them more broadly. Treat your wife as you did when you were dating—when you couldn’t wait to talk with her, to hang out with her, to talk about goals and life with her, to look your best for her, to share your burdens with her, and to dream about tomorrow with her. One of my pastoral heroes once told me, “Always have a sweetheart love for Jesus”; what I’m adding here is, “Always have a sweetheart love for your sweetheart, too.”
5. Take your days off, and take your vacation. Frankly, this one’s especially tough for me to write, simply because I’m guilty here. I can quickly show my workaholic tendencies and spiritually claim my need to keep toiling even when I know how much my wife wants me to take time off. What I’ve learned, though, is that Pam unselfishly delights in times when I give her undivided attention in spite of ministry needs that remain. She would do—and does do—the same for me all the time, and my letting the work remain so I can be with her says volumes to her about my love for her.
6. Honor your spouse for who she is, and don’t expect her to play a “role” for your ministry’s sake. I grew up hearing what a pastor’s wife should be: she plays the piano, leads the women’s missions group, teaches a women’s Sunday school class, heads up every fellowship committee, and generally models what it means to be a perfect wife and mother. My wife is a great role model of faithfulness, but she doesn’t do anything else I included on this list. She serves in her own roles more faithfully than anyone I know—and she loves me for loving her simply for who she is.
7. As appropriate, invite your spouse into the details and work of your ministry. Every couple must determine how much they share regarding ministering to others, counseling church members, dealing with church conflict, etc. Still, many of us who serve in church leadership need to think more intentionally about including our spouses in the work. Sometimes it starts with something as simple as making sure your spouse knows what’s happening according to the church calendar. Or it might be asking your spouse to make a pastoral visit with you, to intercede with you on a particular church need, to dream together about ways to reach your community, or to talk about some of the ministry weight you bear. I suspect many of us would be surprised by how much our spouse feels included if we take these kinds of steps.

Winning your spouse’s heart while doing ministry is not only a necessary goal for your marriage, but it’s also a great role model for other married couples in your church. As you can see, it takes prayer, intentionality, thoughtfulness, effort, and continual evaluation—but it’s always worth the effort. What step(s) do you need to take in this direction?

Posted on February 12, 2026

Dr. Chuck Lawless is a leading expert in spiritual consultation, discipleship and mentoring. As a former pastor, he understands the challenges ministry presents and works with Church Answers to provide advice and counsel for church leaders.
More from Chuck